Might As Well Page 5

  “Please let Bob defuse this situation.”

  (Defuse? That’s what you think you’re doing?)

  (When you come onto our property we are the cops. I imagine that even a low-life, high-stench excuse for a human being like yourself can understand that.)

  (What are you saying? I don’t understand you.)

  (Yeah, yellow jacket, you’re the ones with limited imaginations. This isn’t your property. It’s no more your property than it is ours.)

  (We may not own it but these jackets mean that we rule it.)

  (Fuck you! You can’t rule your dick.)

  (Oh yeah, well I’m about to kick the shit out of yours.)

  (You’re a fucking idiot! You don’t even know that shit doesn’t come out of my dick, it comes out of my ass which you can kiss!)

  “Please do not involve yourself in this. Bagel Bob implores you.”

  (Too late, he’s fucking involved. Empty your pockets you hippie freak.)

  (Fuck you!)

  (Empty ’em.)

  (You got a warrant?)

  (I fucking don’t need one.)

  (Then fuck off.)

  (Did you hear me?)

  (FUCK OFF!)

  (Shit! Grab him!)

  (You grab him, I’m busy with Robert.)

  (Fuck Robert! Let him go, the other guy’s taking off!)

  (Okay! Okay! But we’ll be back! Do you hear me Bob, we’ll be back!)

  Bagel Bob does not eagerly anticipate the reunion.

  STEVEN

  SHAKEDOWN STREET!

  I’ve heard about this. I’ve seen the pictures in Relix. But I can’t believe I’m really here. I am walking down SHAKEDOWN STREET!

  Everyone’s just sitting out in front of their cars selling stuff. It’s like a giant Deadhead outdoor mall. There are even little food shops.

  (Kind veggie burritos! We’ve got your kind veggie burritos!)

  I could go for a kind veggie burrito.

  And look: beads…crystals…T-shirts…I definitely could use a T-shirt. I have some Dead shirts, even ones that other people bought at shows but never one that I bought at a show myself. That would be cool. I could keep it and someday show it to my kids. Yeah, I could go for something with a Stealie and some dancing cartoon characters or something.

  Nate’s wearing a Calvin and Hobbes shirt that he bought on summer tour last year. Something like that would do the trick.

  (Hey, Steven man, what are you doing?)

  “Looking around. Nothing.”

  (Nothing is right. You’re supposed to be paying attention, listening for the magic word. Instead you’re slowing down in front of everyone who’s selling something, which is everyone.)

  (And none of them are selling what we want.)

  “Alright, alright. But after we find some acid I wanna grab something to eat and get a T-shirt.”

  (Food is fine but you should wait until after the show to get a shirt.)

  “Why?”

  (Where are you gonna put it when you’re inside?)

  “Why can’t I put it under my seat?”

  (I cannot believe you’re arguing with me on this. Have you ever been to a show?)

  “No.”

  Cheap shot. He probably wants Shannon and he’s pissed.

  (Okay, then let me tell you. You don’t know if you’re gonna have a seat. You might be dancing in the aisles or something. Who can tell at a show?)

  (Speaking of which, check it out, Alex Burns.)

  (No shit. Hey Alex! Burner! The Burnster! What’s shaking?)

  (My bones in like an hour. What are you boys up to?)

  He probably doesn’t remember me. I never really hung out with him, never went to shows with his crew. Nate did though. Man, his hair is even longer than it was at Willington. I wish I could go for a ponytail. But there’s no way. Alec and Margaret would disown me.

  (We’re just here to see Jerry.)

  (What about you, is Bowdoin on break?)

  (Nah, break ended last week. I’m just down for the shows. Wanted to make sure someone’s keeping up the Willington tradition.)

  “Yeah, there are a bunch of us down here. Six or seven cars worth. We’re trying to make you proud.”

  That was cool.

  (And that I am. Hey do any of you want this? I was going to throw it out.)

  “Yeah, I’ll take it. What is it?”

  (I don’t know. Some sort of kabob thing. I started eating it before I remembered that I’ve become a vegan. Anyhow the meat’s all red and gross-it sort of made me sick.)

  This is definitely sweet. I’m at the show finishing Alex Burns’ kabob thing fresh from the lot, purchased right here on Shakedown Street.

  (Some amigos and I came down from school last night and caught the show. Killer ‘Uncle John’s’ > ‘Playing.’ Smoking ‘Sugaree’ too. Anyhow, we’ve been here pounding beers all day. Then I dropped about a half hour ago. Now I’m getting crinkly so I better head in while I still can figure out which way to head.)

  (Do you have any extras?)

  (Tickets?)

  (Acid.)

  (No, sorry, kids. But don’t worry, it’s all over the place. Just keep your ears open. Hey are you guys partying after the show?)

  (Yeah.)

  Oh no. Don’t tell him, don’t tell him.

  (We’re headed down to Emily Pratt’s beach house.)

  Shit.

  (Sweet Emily. Yeah, I remember where that is, we partied down there after one of the shows last spring. Who else is gonna be there?)

  (You know, her crowd. Melissa, Beth, Shannon—)

  (That Shannon is tasty.)

  Yeah she is. Wait, didn’t he used to go out with her?

  (I haven’t seen her in some time. Yeah, she is primo.)

  (They all are man. You should check out Debbie O’Neill. She really filled out this year.)

  (No shit, I always knew she had potential. Alright, me and my buds’ll put in an appearance. Have a good show boys!)

  (Yeah, have a good show Burner! No shit, Alex Bums. He’s someone I would’ve thought we’d see here if I’d thought about it.)

  “He’s The Man.”

  (He is, although he could be gunning for Shannon. Better stay on your game.)

  No shit. I just hope he spends his time with the new and improved Debbie O’Neill.

  (Come on, Stevie, don’t sweat it. Let’s get going. Hey, and give me one of those peppers on the kabob thing.)

  “Sure. Want a hunk of meat?”

  (Nah, maybe later.)

  “Jason?”

  (No, thanks. Let’s just get a move on. No more rubbernecking.)

  ROBIN

  “ONE!

  ONE IS ALL WE NEED!”

  “Hold it, Mara.”

  (What?)

  “I just realized. We don’t need one ticket, we need two.”

  (Right. So?)

  “I don’t know. I mean we’re skipping around all sweetness and light singing a lie. I think there’s something wrong with that.”

  (No, not really. We’re each singing that we need one. And there are two of us, so…)

  “So together we’re really asking for two. I thought of that but we’re singing ‘one is all WE need.’ The we sort of tells people that together we only need one ticket. I don’t know, I guess it’s not that important, it’s not why I stopped you. I stopped you because I think it’s unicorn time.”

  (You sure?)

  “I think so. It feels like unicorn time. There’s like thirty minutes till the show starts. If we take them now we’ll get the tickles when they come on and we’ll be flying for the second set.”

  (We always have this discussion. You know I like to take them later. I don’t like peaking, even if it’s only semi-pea
king during the set breaks. Too many people out in the hall.)

  “Well I sort of do. I can walk around and smile at people and most of ’em smile back. And then it’s really fun to get all excited for the second set, go inside and watch them climb up to the lights, then—”

  (Okay, okay. We took ’em when I wanted last time, anyhow. Okay, let’s do it. Right over here behind this van… Open up and say ‘aahhh.’)

  “Ahhh…”

  (Here you go. And one for me.)

  “So do you think it’s time to split up?”

  (It worked in Philly.)

  “But wait, not the ‘Dark Star’ night.”

  (We didn’t split up the ‘Dark Star’ night.)

  “Right, so maybe we shouldn’t split up now or there won’t be another ‘Dark Star’ night.”

  (But then even if there is another ‘Dark Star’ we’ll never get to see it.)

  “Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to wreck it for everyone else.”

  (Well, everyone else wouldn’t want you to wreck it for them. But luckily everyone else has forgotten about me. I’ll wreck it for them. I’m a way huger bitch than you are, so it’ll be cool.)

  “Okay then. Hug time.”

  (I’ll see you inside. And if I don’t, have a good show.)

  “You will. So when I do see you, have a good show.”

  (Well if you do see me then I will have a good show.)

  “You sweet talker, Betty Crocker.”

  RANDY

  (What’s your problem, Ellis?)

  Crap.

  (I can’t hear you, Ellis. What’s that?)

  “Well—”

  (Forget I asked. I do not want to hear it. I do not want to hear it. The second goddamn night in a row. The second goddamn night in a row.)

  The second goddamn echo in a row.

  (How many days have you been working for me?)

  “Two.”

  (And out of those goddamn two days how many goddamn days have you been late for work?)

  Goddamn two?

  (I do not want to hear it. I do not want to hear it. Save your excuses for your English teacher. I did your coach a favor by taking you on. And you are letting him down. Do you hear me, son? You are letting him down…I said, do you hear me?)

  “Yes, I hear you.”

  (Fine. Now I can’t remember, where did you work last night?)

  “For a while you had me on the perimeter. Then I was escorting people away from the door who had counterfeit tickets.”

  (Too easy. That’s a waste of muscle or whatever you have that passes for muscle. And the other job almost requires a brain, Scarecrow. I want you sweeping the lots. Report to Davis. You can sweep with his crew.)

  “Sweeping?”

  (Don’t worry, you won’t need a broom, although come to think of it, you won’t need anything tomorrow. Report to Davis but this will be your last night with us. And don’t worry about your paycheck, I’ll make sure it goes to your coach. I’ll explain it to him when I call him up and ask him to send me someone else, someone punctual. Not a punk, punctual.)

  STELLA BLUE

  “Mommy, I want this necklace.”

  (It is very pretty… How much?)

  (Nine?… Eight?… No, no seven.)

  (Apparently I’m driving a hard bargain.)

  (Well, she’s just so cute. All decked out in her little peasant dress and flip-flops. I want to see her in the beads. How old is she?)

  (Tell the woman how old you are, Stella.)

  “Four.”

  (Stella! Actually, she’s three.)

  “I’m threeandalmostfour.”

  (That’s right, honey. Next month you’ll be four. But until then you’re three.)

  (Stella? Did you say her name was Stella? Stella Blue?)

  “Hey, how do you know my name?”

  (Because it’s the name of a song. A beautiful song. And you are a beautiful girl. I love your dress. It’s very pretty.)

  “I know it is.”

  (Hey, I do hair wraps too. For seven bucks how about the necklace and a hair wrap for Stella?”

  “Mommy, what’s a hair wrap?”

  (It’s a little like when I braid your hair except they take your hair and put it in a pretty…tube.)

  “Like a tube of toothpaste?”

  (Yeah, Stella, you’ll be walking around with toothpaste in your hair. You’ll love it!)

  “Aunt Jenny! Mommy, what do you mean?”

  (Look over there. See that woman with the pretty colors in her hair? It almost looks like she’s wearing your anklet in her hair?)

  “Mommy, you’re silly.”

  (Yeah, I guess I am. But can you see the colors?)

  “Uh-huh.”

  (What colors do you see?)

  “Umm…red…and green…and yellow…and, that’s it.”

  (Right. And that’s a hair wrap.)

  “I want one. Please, Mommy, please.”

  (I’ll take care of it, Stella, hon. Your Aunt Jenny will treat you. Necklace and hair wrap on me. Well okay not on me, on you Stella Blue.)

  “You’re silly too, Aunt Jenny.”

  (And what do you say to your silly Aunt Jenny, Stella?)

  “Thank you, silly Aunt Jenny.”

  ZEB

  This one’s going down to the wire again.

  Friday night in New York is not an easy ticket.

  It’s not an easy ticket in New Jersey either, which is I suppose is where we are even though that big sign on the stadium over there makes it pretty clear that this is New York Giants territory.

  It’s New Jersey but it’s the New York Giants’ New Jersey. That I don’t quite understand. It’s like a cosmic prank that no one notices.

  Gotta make a call soon, though. Do I want to move in a bit closer to the arena where I’ll have better luck with beer sales for folks who want one more pop before the big bang or should I keep working the periphery and catch people coming in late who want to take a Shakedown lap or two before they even think about unloading their extras?

  “Get your kind Beck’s here, two bucks. Kind Buds a buck. Beck’s two bucks, Buds a buck.”

  (Did you say the kind bud?)

  Not this again.

  “No, I’m selling beers not dope, bro.”

  (And you’re looking for a ticket too, right?)

  “Yeah.”

  (Well I’ll trade you tonight for some kind bud.)

  “I’m not holding. But listen, the show’s going to start any minute now, why don’t you sell me the ticket. You’re not going to find any buds now.”

  (No, man, I want buds.)

  (Hey, you want buds, come over here.)

  (Yeah, man, I’ll sell you buds. Thirty an eighth.)

  (That’s pretty steep.)

  “No, wait, it’s cool. I’ll buy your extra off you for thirty and then you can pay him for the eighth. We can all groove on that.”

  (Cool by me.)

  (Wait man, you’ve got an extra?)

  (Yeah.)

  (Hey Pam, come over here, this guy’s got an extra. Okay, I’ll trade you the buds for the ticket.)

  (Okay, cool!)

  (Alright.)

  (Sorry, man.)

  “That’s harsh. New York’s got the ways and means but just won’t let me be… Even when New York is in New Jersey.”

  (Yeah, cry me a polluted river.)

  TAPER TED

  (Now that was a moment of beauty. You see that kid over there, with the Philsbury Doughboy shirt? He was talking to this grey-haired guy with a ponytail. And I can hear the kid say ‘Really? I was a sociology major too!’ Like it’s a big thing. Like it was some amazing coincidence that the two of them are sociology majors. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, th
is is where sociology majors come to die.)

  (I’m personally affronted.)

  “Well, speaking for myself, I’m drowned in your laughter and dead to the core.”

  (Good one, hon.)

  (Good one, hon? That was a witty retort?)

  “Well, I’m a humble man but—”

  (I assume you were quoting lyrics and I suppose if I wanted to waste the brain power on it, I might even be able to figure which song it was but I am not expending that much mental energy on the project.)

  (Well you only have so much to spare.)

  (Face!)

  “Alright, leave my little brother alone. He can say whatever he wants but I just did the math. This is his thirteenth show tonight. He’s not just here for the goo balls and the hacky sack!”

  (Agreed! Wait, then what is it I’m here for?)

  “Because there’s nothing like a Grateful Dead concert?”

  (You mean other than every other Grateful Dead concert.)

  (Booooo!!!)

  (Turn on your lovelight, Tommy!)

  (I know, I know. It’s different every night. Sometimes there’s drums then space, sometimes there’s space then drums…)

  (Actually there isn’t. It’s the same order every time.)

  (You guys said it, not me.)

  (Okay, classic Dead trivia: when was the last show in the DeadBase with two electric sets that doesn’t identify a ‘Drums’ and ‘Space?’)

  (Easy. Amsterdam October 16, 1981, Bobby’s b-day show.)

  “That doesn’t count. It has to be a night with two full-on electric sets.”

  (Well what about December 12, 1981, Fiesta Hall in San Mateo?)

  “Same issue. Only one electric set.”

  (Plus that was a Joan Baez and Friends show, they were backing her.)

  “Which leaves us with Providence Civic Center, January eighteenth, nineteen-seventy-nine.”

  (Don’t forget December 6, 1980.)

  (No one’s forgetting December 6, 1980 but that was a one set acoustic performance.)

  (Yeah, I didn’t say it answered the question, I just said don’t forget it. Sometimes people do, for statistical purposes.)

  “Again which brings us to January eighteenth, nineteen-seventy-nine.”