Might As Well Read online

  “Again, I’m sorry.”

  (It’s not your fault, it’s theirs. It’s always theirs. Here they come…)

  (Whose ticket is this?)

  (It’s hers.)

  “It’s mine.”

  (This is a tapers’ ticket, do you realize that?)

  “I do.”

  (There’s a separate entrance for tapers around the other side of the building.)

  (Awww, come on, let her in, you’re holding up the line!)

  “No, it’s fine. Yes, I understand that but I don’t have any taping equipment with me and the show is going to start any minute now, so can you please just let me in this door?”

  (But if you have a taper ticket why do you want to come in this door?)

  (SHE WANTS TO GO IN THAT DOOR BECAUSE THE SHOW’S ABOUT TO START!)

  “I’m sorry. I just ended up in this line. I’m sure the tapers’ line is much shorter but this is where I am now, so can you please let me in?”

  (Well…I have to admit, I’ve never seen a situation like this before. Okay, I’ll make an exception but tomorrow night use the tapers’ entrance.)

  “Absolutely.”

  (And you over there, the guy yelling, Old Yeller, get to the back out of the line!)

  (ARE YOU SHITTING ME?)

  (Yes I am. But please, no need to raise your voice. We’re all on the same side here.)

  (No, we’re not.)

  (We’re not?)

  (No, you’re on the other side of the turnstile, which is where I want to be…)

  (Alright, well hang on, this girl’s first…)

  He’s tearing it in the middle just to be sure…and it’s got those beautiful purple threads inside so it’s not a counterfeit! He’s ripping it! He’s ripping the ticket! I AM IN!

  “YAHOOOIEE!”

  Time to find some dancing room and find some Mara.

  BAGEL BOB

  “Bagel Bob will barter or buy! Please enter into a transaction with Bagel Bob! Sell you extra ticket to Bagel Bob! Bagel Bob wishes to enter the coliseum. Bagel Bob wishes to enjoy the show.”

  (No go, eh, Bob?)

  “Not as yet. Perhaps the time has come to contemplate a game of cribbage.”

  (Don’t give up yet. Something might come through.)

  “Bob doesn’t think so. Something is askew. Bob feels wary.”

  (Yeah, I saw what happened before. That’s the problem with this place. The yellow jackets trip on power. And their trips are ruining ours.)

  “Bob does not disagree.”

  (Last night a gang of them tried to close me down. They tried to tell me that it’s illegal to sell my spinach lasagna outside the show. Since when have they reclassified pasta as a controlled substance?)

  (Man, me too. They gave me that same shit last night.)

  (No ticket for you either?)

  (No tickee, no showee. Man, last night they confiscated a whole pot of my three bean salad. I begged them to give it back. I told ’em, ‘Please, pick out the kidneys and make it a two bean salad if that floats your boat but let me keep my livelihood.’)

  (And?)

  (They walked away and came back a half hour later with an empty pot.)

  (That’s a bummer.)

  (And their breath smelled suspiciously of waxed beans.)

  (What do waxed beans smell like?)

  “Jackie Straw!”

  (Greetings, Robert.)

  “No ticket?”

  (No, Robert, I possess a ticket.)

  “Well then you should proceed to the coliseum, the show is about to commence.”

  (En route. I’m just collecting my space.)

  “Bob understands.”

  (And once I can fit it into the palm of my mind then a show-ing, I will go…)

  (Just try not to spill any of it.)

  (Come on, don’t mess with me. I’m trying to hold it together so I can walk the gauntlet.)

  “Jackie Straw, ignore Three Bean Monty. As you well fathom, one man gathers what another man spills.”

  STEVEN

  (Finally! Have a great show, everybody!)

  Sweet! She gave me a hug. Now this is what a Dead show is about, not about being stuck in a mob scene out front. Everyone is happy and skipping and hugging. And why shouldn’t they, WE ARE IN THE SHOW!

  INSIDE THE SHOW!

  MY FIRST SHOW!

  (Alright, let’s move. It’s like 7:25. They’re gonna come on soon.)

  “You guys have been here before. Take command, lead on.”

  (Zack, you run point.)

  (Let’s roll, brothers.)

  This is very, very cool. Everyone is smiling and running to their seats. It’s almost like they know that they have to get there so that everything that’s supposed to happen can happen. We’re all just moving past each other so that it can start, so that THE MAGIC CAN BEGIN.

  Look at that. They’re selling thirty-buck T-shirts inside here. I kind of want to yell at those people not to do it, to buy their shirts outside. It’s too bad that some people just don’t know what they’re doing but—

  Wharf Rats. Look at that sign: Wharf Rats Meeting Here at Intermission. What sort of thing is that? Is it some sort of Deadhead group for people who are into sailing? I should look into that for next summer, if they have an outpost in Connecticut. I’ve got to ask Nate and Zack about that. Without making it look like I don’t know of course.

  This is just so cool. I’m catching a buzz just from running around, hustling to our seats. When I go past the signs for each section, it feels different because they’re not just telling me where each section is, they’re telling me where each section is AT THE SHOW. And those guys selling hot dogs at the concession stand are almost cool or something because they’re selling hot dogs AT THE SHOW.

  Everything is like mystical, I can’t explain it. And that smell, it’s that perfume stuff that Deadhead women wear. We’re changing the whole place in here, even the air. We’re making it ours. Man, my adrenaline is pumping. I just want to get in there and start grooving.

  (Nate! Zack!)

  (Steven!)

  (Hey, what about me?)

  (Jason! Jas!)

  Shit, this is like perfect. Shannon, Emily, and Meg.

  “Hey, how are you guys doing?”

  (How long have you been here?)

  (Great.)

  (We just got here. We were afraid that you already went down to your seats.)

  “Nah, you had to know we’d wait for you.”

  I will always wait for you Shannon Phelps.

  (Alright then, let’s go in.)

  (Wait, have you guys checked? Are they looking at tickets before they let people down into the sections?)

  (It’s not gonna be a problem where we are. If we were sitting one section lower they’d check our ticket stubs but not up here. They’ll just let us go in. I was behind the stage one night last year and moved to these great seats on the side. No prob.)

  (Okay then, let’s go. You guys know the row, so lead us in.)

  (Will do and if we can’t all fit in that one we can look for another one or split up or something.)

  Cool, cool. Maybe something for Shannon and me by ourselves. Now if I just keep her directly in front of me, I’ll be all set. I can’t believe I’m here with her. She’s just so cute. I mean she’s not just cute, she’s someone who actually earns the word adorable, especially with those dimples in her cheeks. I remember when I couldn’t even speak to her, the Dimples of Muteness did me in.

  Whoa, look at it in here. Check it out, it’s so colorful. People are all wearing tie-dyes or Guatemalan threads and everyone’s bopping around balloons. And look at the stage with those monster speakers alongside it. There’s no question that the sound at a Dead show rules. I bet the lights are wild t
oo. And down on the floor there’s the taper section with all those microphones up on stands, ready and waiting for the action to start. The Dead are just so awesome letting people tape their shows. They really understand what it’s all about. This is definitely the coolest.

  And I’m finally here.

  I’ve imagined it hundreds of times but here I am INSIDE THE SHOW.

  Hey, and this is a pretty good section too, in the middle on the side, not up in the nose bleeds and not down so far where you can’t get a good view of everyone else.

  (Check it out. This is our row and there’s enough room for all seven of us.)

  It’s like destiny. We fit in here perfectly. And this is a Dead show so even if someone shows up with tickets for the other seats, they’ll just find somewhere else to sit. Everyone makes room for everyone because we’re all part of the community. We’re all in the scene together.

  This rules.

  My first Dead show. Perfect seats. Great view. Nate on my right. Shannon on my left. This is it. Tonight it’s gonna happen. Everything. The Dead. Shannon. Everything.

  (Alright, game on! Does anybody have last night’s setlist? It’s in the Dupree’s.)

  (I heard someone in the lot saying they played ‘Uncle John’s Band.’ I’d love to hear that tonight.)

  (You’re joking, right?)

  (No, it’s sweet. What’s your problem, Jason, is that song not Deadheady enough for you? It’s not like I said ‘Far From Me,’ which I still think is a good song even if they look cheesy on the album cover.)

  (Emily’s right. We play the song all the time. Even Jennica the perfect prefect likes it. Besides, I don’t think that album cover is cheesy, it’s a joke and they’re in on the joke. It’s semiotics. Like in Williams’ class. Right, Steven?)

  Crap. Put on the spot.

  “Well, I think that’s a reasonable interpretation—”

  (But wait, what’s a Dupree’s?)

  Thank you, Meg.

  (Just keep your eyes open for a pink piece of paper. Dupree’s Diamond News. It has setlists and cool ads on it. And they’re not going to play ‘Uncle John’s’ tonight because they played it last night. You know they don’t do that.)

  (Well, I can’t see a pink piece of paper but I bet they played their drum and space jam last night and they’re going to do that again tonight.)

  (Yeah, but that’s different every time.)

  (Jason, be a Deadhead not a dickhead. Do you even listen to any of those live tapes you’re hoarding back in your lair? ‘Uncle John’s Band’ sounds different every time.)

  (Psych!)

  (Face!)

  (Burn!)

  (Sizzle!)

  (And I also like it because Jerry sings ‘Are You Kind,’ which you Mr. Jason Baumgarten are most certainly not!)

  (I hear you, Meg, I’m Bauming you out.)

  (Get a room you two!)

  (We’ll see…)

  “So, Shannon, how long were you out in the parking lot?”

  (A couple hours. We got here really early to beat the rush. And to find shrooms.)

  “Did you find any?”

  (Yeah, we bought two eighths.)

  “How much did you take?”

  (Two eighths. A while ago. I’m already starting to rush.)

  “Sweet.”

  Man, I wish I had taken mushrooms. They’re better for you than acid because they’re organic and—no Steve-o, you can’t think like that. You’ll bum yourself into a bad trip.

  Okay, I took acid and I’m here at the show. We all have seats and any minute now the Dead are going to step on stage and it’s gonna happen.

  I just wish it would hurry up and start.

  Then again, if they don’t come on for a little while, I can hang with Shan and ease into my buzz.

  RANDY

  “So what exactly are we supposed to do here, Eddie?”

  (Essentially, we walk through the parking lot and if anyone’s doing anything really stupid, we stop them.)

  “Sounds manageable.”

  (Yeah it sounds that way but none of these people want to be managed. And plenty of them are out of their minds. They yell at you, they give you shit and then they blame it all on you. I imagine you experienced that last night doing whatever the hell you were doing with your multiple monkey bosses.”

  “So how are we supposed to handle it?”

  (However we handle it.)

  “Second verse same as the first.”

  (Here comes Davis. Check him out, I think he did a few tours of duty in Vietnam and I’m not convinced he ever left. I’d call him Patton but that would be an insult to George C. Scott.)

  “Or George S. Patton.”

  (Although maybe he can help us with our thing.)

  “Except we can’t tell him. Why does he get a golf cart?”

  (I assume he wants to go play a quick nine before the show starts. No, that’s what I’m telling you, that’s his thing.)

  (Robbins. Where’s Schultz?)

  (Went off to take a crap. I thought he was with you.)

  (I take my craps by myself, Robbins. It’s been that way for quite some time now.)

  “Although from the looks of it, you’re only a few weeks away from needing assistance again.”

  (Excuse me?)

  “Excuse not accepted.”

  (Randy, what are—)

  (Who the fuck are you?)

  “Don’t try to win me over with Who lyrics. Forget about me. YOU on the other hand are the worst referee in the history of New Jersey high school football. You cost my team the N.J.S.I.A.A. Group A North Non-Public Championship and I took a solemn vow to tell you as much the next time I saw you. I mean, Christ, blocking below the waist is only a penalty if it is outside the free blocking zone.”

  (That is a judgment call. What is your name?)

  “Ellis.”

  (Ellis, that is a judgment call and given the limited self-control you are currently exhibiting, I have every reason to believe that if I threw a flag against you then a flag was in order.)

  “Isn’t it pretty to think so.”

  (Well, you win points for the Hemingway retort, I’ll give you that. Are you assigned to this unit? Or perhaps I should phrase that in the past tense, as in were you assigned to this unit before your insubordination jeopardized that assignment?)

  “Mack instructed me to report here.”

  (Well it appears that you’re able to follow instructions. I will expect as much from you, along with an unwavering submission to my authority.)

  No fucking way!

  (Ellis?)

  (Randy!)

  “Absolutely, sir.”

  Absolutely no fucking way!

  (Ellis, you’re starting out on thin ice. Do you think you can keep yourself out of the drink?)

  “Here’s hoping that my two hundred and sixty-five pounds won’t leave a crack.”

  STELLA BLUE

  (Okay, Stella, I’m bringing you down.)

  “We’re here, Mommy, we’re here.”

  (I know, honey, that’s why I’m bringing you down.)

  (Aww, you’re bringing us all down. We’ll miss you, Stella!)

  (Yeah, Stella, we’ll miss you!)

  (Have a good show, Stella!)

  (Thank you, Greek chorus.)

  (Hey, this isn’t the Greek. We’re 3,000 miles away from Cali. No fair teasing!)

  (Could you raise your arms, ma’am?)

  (Hold on, Stella.)

  “What are they doing, Mommy?”

  (They’re checking to see if I have anything illegal.)

  “Do you?”

  (Nothing they found. Just kidding, people.)

  “How come they didn’t check me?”

  (Because you’re an angel. And ang
els don’t have illegal things. Okay, keep moving, we’re almost there.)

  (Tickets?)

  (Here’s your ticket, Stella. Hand it to the woman.)

  “It’s yellow.”

  (Yeah, it’s pretty. Now hand it to the woman.)

  “Here.”

  (Thank you. And here’s your ticket stub. I hope you enjoy yourself young lady.)

  (And here’s mine. Hold on, Stella.)

  “Look Mommy, everybody’s dancing and making funny noises.”

  (That’s because they’re happy. They’ve been waiting outside for a long time and now they’re inside where they can see the show. And they’re happy because they know the Grateful Dead are going to make them happy.)

  “I’m happy too, Mommy.”

  (Well I am especially happy that you’re happy.)

  “So can I scream too?”

  (I should have seen that one coming. Absolutely!)

  (And you can use your outdoor voice, even though we’re indoors!)

  “You’re silly, Aunt Jenny!”

  (Silly excited for the Grateful Dead!)

  “Awooooo!”

  (Me too?)

  “You too!”

  (Awoooooo!!!)

  “Awoooooo!!!”

  TAPER TED

  (Are you all set here, big bro?)

  “Just waiting on the band.”

  (Okay, I’m going to run up and grab myself a pretzel. I want to do some carb loading before the main event.)

  “If you see Rez out there can you send her my way?”

  (Will do.)

  Hopefully she gets down here in time to help Mitch.

  Let’s see, what to do, what to do… Actually, nothing. It looks like I am altogether ramped up and ready…

  (Excuse me, are you Ted Auslander?)

  “I suppose I am.”

  (Can you come over here for a moment, I have a quick question for you.)

  “Let ‘er rip.”